Hey everybody, sorry it has been so long. I really thought I was on a good run. Then came Tuesday. I really need to be more vigilant with this thing if it is to be what I planned it to be. I have some observations for you guys tonight and I wish it could be funny, but it just is not really in me tonight.
See, Tuesday, I had a little trouble at work,and decided to take myself out of the equation before it became a lot of trouble. I drive a forklift, so it seemed to be a good idea at the time. I was light headed, dizzy, disoriented, and I couldn’t judge distance right, so I went to my superiors and explained the situation (compounded with the fact that, in retrospect, I think at the time I was having an anxiety attack as well,)they immediately sent me home, which was the right choice. I went straight to the doctors office, which was the right choice. They turned me away and told me to go to the emergency room ($200 co-pay.) Now if it had been a heart attack or something I wouldn’t have left work under my own steam. They would have had to called an ambulance to get my fat rear-end out of there. Anyway, I finally got in to see the doc the next day and I am out of work again at least until Nov. 15th.
This is what lead me to the observation part of the post I guess. I have decided several things about this disorder.
Number 1: Bi-polar disorder is a thief. Merriams online dictionary describes a thief as : “one that steals especially stealthily or secretly; also : one who commits theft or larceny. ” A disease or disorder that takes you away from your friends and family, your work, your life. All the while, you look healthy and fine. No one knows there is anything wrong with you, everyone just assumes maybe you are a jerk with an attitude problem, while instead you are crippled with fears and anxiety in the back off the classroom, or the warehouse, or office, that everyone you know hates you and is constantly judging every step you make.
Number 2: Bi-Polar hurts. Physically, mentally, and not just personally. Most people refuse to discuss their disorder because they have enough to deal with with the voices whispering in their ear. I am in pain right now. My head aches constantly, my back feels as though it’s full of broken glass. I know why some of this is, some of it is thanks to the stupid amount of weight I have gained due to the lovely side effects of some of the wonder drugs I have been prescribed. I packed on almost 60 lbs in a month on one of them and wanted to fight EVERYBODY. The latest one wasn’t a hell of a lot better.The hurt does not stop with me. Kat, (my 6 year old daughter,) wants to play since dad is not at work. I just want to sleep. Consequently, she gets snapped at, I feel like an asshole, and the depression gets worse. Joy, (my wife,) wants to try to help too, she offers help and solutions to the depression and anxiety and gets snapped at. I used to think the depression commercials were annoying but I never listened and was in denial. I am starting to understand now where they are coming from. Even the dogs are tired of my shit.
Number 3: Bi-Polar is tiring. Obviously, I don’t sleep anymore. I started a blog with this title for a reason. I hate taking sleep aids, they make me feel like crap the whole next day. Now the doc has taken me off almost all of my meds until I see the psychiatrist so the annoying little bastards in my head are running rampant. I really wonder sometimes if it is bi-polar alone or if I’m not just insane. I got the diagnosis from a reputable doc up in Syracuse, NY 8 years ago and it took DAYS of tests to figure that out. I only knew one other person then with the disorder and I love him like a little brother, but I had no idea what his turmoil was like.
Before there are any rumors, Joy and I are fine. She is really my rock. I don’t know how she handles all the things she does with her health problems and now having to deal with two mental 6 year old kids. Of course Kat is mentally 15 so maybe that helps. I hope to go back to work soon, they have FMLA so my job is safe for now. I type that as much for me as for anyone. I need to realize that I have some job security. I also have short term disability so at least there is a little bit of a check coming in. I would prefer the real thing of course, but until things are squared away it’s just not an option. Well enough for now. We will talk again soon….